"So, what is your first impression of Korea?"

Please let me give you a few demonstrations of what I have had to deal with when it is the English Speaking contest time in February.

1. I was eating lunch at VIP'S, when this Korean lady kept looking at me and I was thinking, "Is her son doing this stupid English contest." In a few minutes she approaches my table and ask me will I listen to her sons' speech. I then listen to his memorization of MLK'S "I Have A Dream" After he is finished I asked him what does this speech mean to you? He could not answer the question. I just wanted to run away but I his mother then tried to explain it to me. Lets just say that she has never met anyone "Dark" (her words, not mine). She wondered why all of the "d's" chased white ladies and what I asked her where she learned all of this she told me, the tv show and movies. I advised her son to speak on a topic that he liked because his speech sounded like a robot and they left me to think about what had just happened in front of me.

2. When I was teaching at a private school (Hogwan) I was asked to listen to a boys speech. His father had written the speech and I could tell real fast that this kid had not a fracking clue what the heck he was talking about. I went back to the office, after I had wasted 1 HOURS LISTENING TO THIS B.S. and I vented, WTF! I refused to play along with this fracking charade. I read each later revision of the speech and IT JUST GOT WORSE AND WORSE. What I will always remember about this speech was the line that included the Korean Hero "Hines Ward". His father had written the stoopid comment that, "Its not Hines Ward's fault that he is only half-Korean." He did not win and he later asked me why. I pointed to my heart and said, "Your speech was not from here."

3. When I am interviewed, most of the questions are like this, Hello..(The the girl student will do a stoopid.. he he giggle giggle laugh) I try and answer all of their questions but at times its awful annoying.

GI, I try and help but at times I really wonder what the heck are we teaching these kids?

The best way to get out of this kind of thing is, when approached, smile broadly, look kindly into their eyes and say,

“Ich spreche kein Englisch.”

You can also make up a language in which you rapidly babble on in enthusiastic European-sounding syllables until the other party feels awkward, puts a palm up with a light nod and mumbles a quick apology before slinking away.

When I do that, I most often get asked (loudly), “Finland?” I don’t know why.

It has gotten me out of everything from tourist touts to Scientology scouts.

In dangerous situations, the Spaz Act is the one of choice… even a Mexican with a knife will leave the loud crazy alone.